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So yea, Valentines Day....What about it?

When I was a kid, Valentines Day was about telling the girl or guy you liked and maybe get a kiss or their phone number. Another benefit from that was all the candy to chocolate you got from other kids or friends. But a main thing you got on Valentines Day was cards that meant something.

As a kid, you think the smallest and nicest of cards from someone you like means they love you, but really they don't or not ready to move on to the next step.

Now?

As a teenager/young adult, I "got" carnations in high school. I say "got" because no one ever got me one. Because no one liked me or wanted to show that they did. I bought one for myself because I liked the flowers. I'm a nature nut. Sure, there was a candy bar or two and a card saying "You look nice" or "I like you", but I felt the flower was more important because it means something.

But I'm out of highschool, and Valentines Day is just there now.

I have a mixed reaction to Valentines Day. I hate it because the couples. I hate them so much because I'm tired of seeing them all "gushy and lovey-dovey" to the point where I can't stand it anymore. It's not only that why I hate them. It's because they're happy.

I want that happiness. To talk to someone and love in each other's heart. Someone to sit down and listen to me and my problems, to tell me that everything is going to be fine when it's not.

I've leanred that there are women that are the best support. I know a woman that I met and she was there to give me advice, not about love, but about how to treat a woman.

She told me how to treat a woman, to love her and appreciate who she was and not what you want her to be. Like an idiot, I told her I loved her and fucked everything with us over. If I could turn back time, I would prevent myself from saying that because I miss her, not as a woman, but a friend.

Valentines Day is just here now, not as a day to show your partner you love them, but just a quick excuse to fuck. I mean sure, today is a reason to get down and make love to one another, but it's only out of spite these days with people my age.

I wouldn't know what it's like to have sex because I'm a virgin. I'm waiting to find who will love me for me, someone that appreciates me not for money to impress, but for how I love that person.

I should stop talking. In short, Valentines Day has been commercialized for sex and not REAL love, but that's just my opinion.
You wanna know the best parts about being alone? You think, think of what you've done in life. You think of who you've loved and who you've wronged.

When I lived in Dallas, I lived in somewhat of the Getto, it was safe where I was living but there was always a cop called in for something small.

On early Sunday mornings, I'd go out for a walk, clear my head. I wasn't armed with anything but my wits and knew if anything went bad, run.

On those walks, I'd think. I'd think of what I've done with most of my life because even as a young kid/young adult still questioning the world and why I belong, it's one of the things I'd think of.

Most of them would be about people I know, how to be a better person to them. Other times it's how to give the proper apology.

When you have a moment to yourself, time stops. You're given a moment to remember things you don't want to remember but life does it any way. It can hurt to the point you want to cry. Do it, crying never hurt anyone.

On these walks, there would be few light posts on to light my way. When I was out on my walks, I was in a shroud of darkness. At the same it, it was scary and exciting because you didn't know what to expect.

I grew up in a neighborhood where at night, few gas stations where still open, small stores where just beginning to open. There was a sense of fear and excitement I had that I could call an adventure.

I heard the cars and trucks on freeways, going and getting somewhere. I smelled the mist from the morning wet grass. There was a feel and taste of the crisp night air you could only get by being alone. Alone, your senses begin to expand, all these feelings you've never had before now free and out in the open.

I only walked to the local McDonalds because breakfast was a nice treat to one on a Sunday. But it wasn't the walks to the local fast food joint I liked, it was the walks to myself I loved.

I felt better on these walks, almost a new person. I got my thoughts together walking to and from the areas I knew on the back of my hand.

I liked the walks, the darkness, this feeling of adventure that's hard to explain. I'd do anything to go home. I'd love to go home. I miss it, it's where I learned how to better myself as an adult.

There's an old saying, "Nothing to write home about". No. Home is something you should write about. Home is something you're use to and would do anything for it. Dallas Texas was my home, and I hope I can one day, one hour, or just one minute, have that moment of freedom again I had home.

How can I go on...?
On November 30th, a well-known author in the small town of Salida, Colorado passed away. His name was Kent Haruf, famous for well-known books such as Benediction, Plainsong, and The Tie that Binds. You may not know him but I did because I was one of his nephews. 

Growing up, I  never had a father, so uncles and grandfathers were more father than he was. I loved him like a father, not because of money or anything like that, because he was there for me. He was there for me like any father would be for their child. Several years ago, I lost my grandfather to both a stroke and diabetes. When he died, Kent was there for me if I needed that shoulder to cry on, to talk to, anything because he was there for me. 

A few years ago, he developed a virus in his small intestine. Right there, I was afraid to let him go, I would never have the chance to see him again. He recovered from it, but he was so frail, I wish I could help him but couldn't.

I got to see him one last time last summer. What he did is he took me up the mountain where you can get a large view of everything in Salida. The last day before I left to go back to Iowa, he took me to a diner because I told him I wanted to be a writer just like him. I forget what he said to me, but I told him what I wanted to do and he said I might have something worthy of a novel.

I was making breakfest when I got the phone call from my grandmother saying he passed away. She told me a story about Kent and his wife's last conversation. He looked at her and said he was ready to go. She said to go ahead, and that's what he did. He went back to bed and closed his eyes for the last time, and died peacefully in his sleep. I knew he wasn't going to last long, but I wasn't ready to let him go.

I'm having a tough time trying to write all this and keep myself from crying. Everyone grives in their own way, but the connection he and I had...I've tried to hard to cry when I got the phone call, but nothing.

I hope somewhere in Heaven, he's free and happy, going about with no pain and being company with my grandfather.

His funeral was held Sunday, just a few days ago. I wished I was there to say what I wanted to say, but I knew I was there in spirit. I'll miss him so much.

Rest in Peace, Kent Haruf (1943-2014). 

Uncle, Husband, Father, Friend
So yea, Valentines Day....What about it?

When I was a kid, Valentines Day was about telling the girl or guy you liked and maybe get a kiss or their phone number. Another benefit from that was all the candy to chocolate you got from other kids or friends. But a main thing you got on Valentines Day was cards that meant something.

As a kid, you think the smallest and nicest of cards from someone you like means they love you, but really they don't or not ready to move on to the next step.

Now?

As a teenager/young adult, I "got" carnations in high school. I say "got" because no one ever got me one. Because no one liked me or wanted to show that they did. I bought one for myself because I liked the flowers. I'm a nature nut. Sure, there was a candy bar or two and a card saying "You look nice" or "I like you", but I felt the flower was more important because it means something.

But I'm out of highschool, and Valentines Day is just there now.

I have a mixed reaction to Valentines Day. I hate it because the couples. I hate them so much because I'm tired of seeing them all "gushy and lovey-dovey" to the point where I can't stand it anymore. It's not only that why I hate them. It's because they're happy.

I want that happiness. To talk to someone and love in each other's heart. Someone to sit down and listen to me and my problems, to tell me that everything is going to be fine when it's not.

I've leanred that there are women that are the best support. I know a woman that I met and she was there to give me advice, not about love, but about how to treat a woman.

She told me how to treat a woman, to love her and appreciate who she was and not what you want her to be. Like an idiot, I told her I loved her and fucked everything with us over. If I could turn back time, I would prevent myself from saying that because I miss her, not as a woman, but a friend.

Valentines Day is just here now, not as a day to show your partner you love them, but just a quick excuse to fuck. I mean sure, today is a reason to get down and make love to one another, but it's only out of spite these days with people my age.

I wouldn't know what it's like to have sex because I'm a virgin. I'm waiting to find who will love me for me, someone that appreciates me not for money to impress, but for how I love that person.

I should stop talking. In short, Valentines Day has been commercialized for sex and not REAL love, but that's just my opinion.

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Hi-Harri
Harrison Carmack
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States Minor Outlying Islands
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:iconcrystalspike:
Crystalspike Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thank you
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:iconhi-harri:
Hi-Harri Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome
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:iconvioletzen:
VioletZen Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2014  Student General Artist
Thanks for the fav :)
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:iconpeter-the-tomato:
Peter-the-Tomato Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2014
Thanks for faving :)
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:iconspaceyspaceybrianmay:
spaceyspaceybrianmay Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the fav
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:iconallycatblu:
AllyCatBlu Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the fav
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:iconcartoonwatch:
CartoonWatch Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
thx for the fave
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:iconfannychichou:
fannychichou Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the fav!!
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:iconinsouciancee:
Insouciancee Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014
Boo...
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:iconhi-harri:
Hi-Harri Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello, Penny.


I need a moment because I don't know what to say.

The last 24 hours have been horrible for me and life.

Last night, my mother had a reaction to the medication she was taking. She couldn't say or do anything but yell for me to call 911. I was scared, the woman that has taken care of me for the last 18 years was in pain and I couldn't do anything more to help. 

As the ambulance came and left to take her to the hospital, my grandmother had to get dressed and go to find out what was wrong. I was just about to go to bed but decided to peek if I had any mail from dA: Only one, you. It was a Feedback message where I thought it was someone saying thanks for liking my picture. But no, it was you.

I didn't know what to do. All the shit that had happened stopped when I read your name. I didn't know if I was dreaming or not, and I wanted to talk you so bad, but didn't know what to say. The last time we talked, I tried to make you mine, and look what that did.

You have no idea how bad I wanted to click reply and talk to you again, but I didn't know what to say. I looked at myself for a moment and knew I have to talk to you again, but needed to figure out what to say first, and that's what I did.

I haven't slept ever since last night, my mom in pain and I couldn't do anything. Then you came back into my life. I literately forgot about you. After I sent that message on my birthday, that was the last time I remembered you. I came home, went to dA to see if you said something...no, and that's ok. I was an asshole and you really didn't need say anything else. It's my fault I saw you more than you were and I wish I had never done that.

After my birthday and I forgot about you, time and life went on. I still looked for a job, nothing. I went to school everyday so I could graduate, and did, but I won't be getting my diploma anytime soon. Turns out I failed my math classes. The school was nice enough to let me graduate like everyone else, but I won't be getting my diploma until I make up the math. It's funny how you plan everything out but reality checks its ugly face in everyday...ha-ha-ha...

My mother has also had trouble finding a job. She quit for some reason, don't know why, but yet she looks for jobs everyday but could never find one. Because of that, we had to move because we had no money to stay in Dallas since the apartment we were living in was an arm and a leg, so we moved back into Iowa with my brother and grandmother until we can find a place for us.

I am still looking for a job. I put in applications a week ago, haven't heard anything. I'll call in a few days to see if they ever got my application, they did, but haven't gone though it yet. So here I am, looking to something I don't know will happen.

For the last few weeks, I've been working as a writer. I figured if I can't draw, I'll use my creative talents to the world of books. My uncle, who is a well-known writer, said that it would be great for me to write, seeing my talent used for something great. I still wish to be a singer or an actor, but I can only do one at a time.

If you've had it though my small life story, please reply something cute. If not, it's ok.


I'm not asking you to feel sorry for me in anyway, I just thought I'd let you know what has happened since we stopped talking.

I really did and still do miss you, Penny. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong.

I do believe it's the afternoon where you are. I don't know when you'll get this, but if you want to talk, note me, email me, anything if you want.

I wish you the best in life and the future.

Goodbye.

-Harrison
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